The Good Thing About Marriage that Isn't Always Easy

Before we get married, we are looking for the perfect scenario in our world. A partner who fits into that life we want to create, consciously or not. Once we are married, the search is over, and we have to learn how to live in the life we have chosen. What if that life isn't what we thought it was going to be. I always thought a Saturn would be the perfect car for me - affordable, extremely safe . . . turns out when I actually test drove a Saturn, I hated the way it drove. It felt stiff and clunky. I think that happens in marriage, no matter how long we date the person. One day, sometime after we are married, we stop and look around and think, "This is it? This is my life now?" You know those relationships you look at and think, "Wow. They really have a magical relationship - they got it right!" Even those people have come to me after they are married and say to me, "I just keep thinking, 'This is it. This is all it's going to be. This is my life.' " Even the "perfect couples" wonder if they have made the wrong decision.

I think the best lesson I have learned being married is the paradigm shift. I think in order to survive in any relationship, you have to shift your consciousness from all the outside props of your life, and turn inwards, to you. Instead of rearranging the life around you, you learn to look at yourself, and make some of those hard changes you avoided before.

In marriage, you really learn to get to know yourself, and how that self deals with other people. You are constantly interacting with another person. You learn boundaries like never before - which ones to keep, which ones to let down, and which ones to create. You learn to analyze yourself, and your actions. You learn how to accept when you are wrong. You learn to stand up for your rights. You learn when to surrender your position, and when to stand your ground. You choose your battles.

On the flip side, you learn that happiness is a choice. There has been many a time when my husband has been unhappy and I am able to make the conscious choice not to follow his path when he arrives home. I let the grumpiness roll off my shoulders and be as emotionally level and positive as possible. Sometimes this changes his mood when he decides to follow my lead. Other times, he sulks away to work through it on his own. But, in both scenarios, I remain positive yet supportive to him, and I get to keep my positive mood.

I don't always choose happiness, though. There are times when I am at the mercy of my hormones. At such times, no matter what my logical brain says, I can't help myself and create my own unhappy mood where nothing is good. If I have strength over my hormones, I'll go sulk with a movie. Otherwise, I pick pick pick until I create the fight I don't really want, but for some reason need.

Though marriage I have learned this about myself. I am learning what makes me tick in ways I was never forced to look at. I am constantly being forced to look in the mirror and make decisions that, hopefully, will make me a better person.

Holiday Hardships

Holidays are hard. And the weather in Colorado isn't helping. I see how stressed out people are during meditation classes. I just read a friend's blog about living after his children died. My mother just let go of her 15 year old dog who has been her close companion especially when my father travels for business. This time of year seems to make tragedy and loss more intense. The holidays bring out the best and the worst in us, including myself. Is it because of the expectations we have of happy families gathering around the fire, sitting next to the tree, eating and drinking merrily and sharing the love and closeness they have in their perfect homes trimmed with snow?

Both my husband and I are small business owners. The holidays are especially hard on us. For Jeff, owning a coffee shop and game store, there is pressure to do well during Christmas shopping season. How well you do is a sign of how healthy your business is. It is even more crucial right now with the economy being down and his 3 year old business still struggling to completely take flight. For me as a massage therapist, business goes down as people try to make all their commitments and save money to buy presents. When people need massage most is when they seem to put it on the back burner.

Between money and family, we put way to many expectations out there, for ourselves and others. We have expectations put on us by others. And, we have expectations that will never be filled due to losses in our lives - family members we will always miss more on the holidays.

This time of year, I try to do my best to go with the flow. It's a little harder this year and the routine is changed due to getting married. Sharing holidays between families - a huge stress on the holidays! I try to let go of expectations and understand my families dynamic - and by no means are we perfect. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that no family is perfect. I used to think my friend Rachel's family was perfect when I'd visit on Christmas Eve - so much laughing and family love. I soon learned that they were just as dysfunctional the rest of the year as mine or any ones!

At this point I think I've lost my point. So, to wrap up - be kind to yourself and others this season. The New Year will be here before you know it and with it, new beginnings and wishes . . . (to be continued)