The Good Thing About Marriage that Isn't Always Easy

Before we get married, we are looking for the perfect scenario in our world. A partner who fits into that life we want to create, consciously or not. Once we are married, the search is over, and we have to learn how to live in the life we have chosen. What if that life isn't what we thought it was going to be. I always thought a Saturn would be the perfect car for me - affordable, extremely safe . . . turns out when I actually test drove a Saturn, I hated the way it drove. It felt stiff and clunky. I think that happens in marriage, no matter how long we date the person. One day, sometime after we are married, we stop and look around and think, "This is it? This is my life now?" You know those relationships you look at and think, "Wow. They really have a magical relationship - they got it right!" Even those people have come to me after they are married and say to me, "I just keep thinking, 'This is it. This is all it's going to be. This is my life.' " Even the "perfect couples" wonder if they have made the wrong decision.

I think the best lesson I have learned being married is the paradigm shift. I think in order to survive in any relationship, you have to shift your consciousness from all the outside props of your life, and turn inwards, to you. Instead of rearranging the life around you, you learn to look at yourself, and make some of those hard changes you avoided before.

In marriage, you really learn to get to know yourself, and how that self deals with other people. You are constantly interacting with another person. You learn boundaries like never before - which ones to keep, which ones to let down, and which ones to create. You learn to analyze yourself, and your actions. You learn how to accept when you are wrong. You learn to stand up for your rights. You learn when to surrender your position, and when to stand your ground. You choose your battles.

On the flip side, you learn that happiness is a choice. There has been many a time when my husband has been unhappy and I am able to make the conscious choice not to follow his path when he arrives home. I let the grumpiness roll off my shoulders and be as emotionally level and positive as possible. Sometimes this changes his mood when he decides to follow my lead. Other times, he sulks away to work through it on his own. But, in both scenarios, I remain positive yet supportive to him, and I get to keep my positive mood.

I don't always choose happiness, though. There are times when I am at the mercy of my hormones. At such times, no matter what my logical brain says, I can't help myself and create my own unhappy mood where nothing is good. If I have strength over my hormones, I'll go sulk with a movie. Otherwise, I pick pick pick until I create the fight I don't really want, but for some reason need.

Though marriage I have learned this about myself. I am learning what makes me tick in ways I was never forced to look at. I am constantly being forced to look in the mirror and make decisions that, hopefully, will make me a better person.